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| David Johnson, Star Prairie Gallery |
Sometimes I just have to laugh at myself. I literally just
sit here and laugh. It’s usually times
when I am working so hard at finding something or figuring something out, only
to realize it is either right in front of my face or has been blinking like a neon
“sign” the entire time. This has been
my week.
In defense of myself, it has
been a rough week. Last weekend, for
whatever reason, my body decided to succumb to yet another virus. Barely over
the holiday flu we all got in December, I acquired a nasty sinus infection,
which just seems to magnify all the other “issues” I battle on a daily
basis. Then on top of things, it was
already a busy week in regards to medical appointments. One of which was my infusion, scheduled for
Tuesday of this week. Upon finding out that I was sick again, they promptly
canceled my infusion and set up more appointments for me to get “checked out”.
Ugh. So, to make a long story even longer (it seems), it looks to be just a
virus, no lung involvement and not much new on the autoimmune front; an echo
cardiogram stress test next week (just to follow up on things), a new
medication for some skin issues I am having and a rescheduled IVIg appointment
for next Monday. Done.
On an emotional level though, this week has felt like one of
those dreams where no matter how fast you run you just can’t seem to get
anywhere, or no matter how many times you dial the phone you just keep messing
up…or, like the dream I had last night where I gave birth to two African
American twin boys and forgot them at the hospital (I’m still trying to figure
it out) – I just keep trying and for
the life of me…it’s not working. Trying
to write…not working. Trying to cook…not working. Trying to paint….not working.
Trying to clean up the house…not working. Trying to help the kids…not working.
Trying to read…not working. Trying to regroup…not working. Trying to eat
healthy…not working. Trying to stop picking at my skin…not working. Trying to
find some quiet space….not working. Trying to make time so I can figure out
what the hell is going on…not working. Trying to schedule time away so that I
can find my balance…not working. Trying meditate so I can figure out why
nothing is working…
not...working
.
My first sign came when reading Oriah’s wonderful post on Wednesday entitled “Getting
Unhooked”. She has been going through
some personal challenges as of late that lead to her to comment to a friend, “I
feel like I can’t quite get my feet on the ground. Every time I think I’m on
solid ground, it disappears from beneath me.”
(Hum…sounds familiar). She then goes on to talk about her experience of taking
one of Pema Chodron’s books off her shelf (When Things Fall Apart) and randomly
opening the book to this piece: “We want to have some reliable, comfortable ground under our feet, but we’ve tried a thousand ways to hide and a thousand ways to tie up all the loose ends, and the ground just keeps moving under us. Trying to get lasting security teaches us a lot, because if we never try to do it, we never notice that it can’t be done. Turning our minds toward the dharma speeds up the process of discover. At every turn we realize once again that it’s completely hopeless- we can’t get any ground under our feet.”
Just think about it…I’ll explain more later.
Second sign. In my reading this week I came upon a quote by
Santideva, an 8th-century Buddhist scholar. The quote read, “We who
are like senseless children shrink from suffering, but love its causes.”
Read that one a few times.
Third sign. Someone sent me a message this week on my
facebook page suggesting that I listen to Pema Chodron’s interview by BillMoyer on PBS, done in 2008. It is in six, nine minute segments – completely manageable,
so I decided to give it a go. Committing to only watching the first nine
minutes, I quickly abandoned the next hour of my life and watched the entire
interview. Simply amazing. If you have time, I recommend it with the sincerest hopes
that you will be blessed as I was.
I've read many of
Pema’s books, but this interview was a view into the essence of Pema Chodron
that I had never really seen – or at least been ready to see. She talked about how no one really wants to
suffer, yet our means by which we try to achieve our happiness or contentment
most often seem to only escalate our suffering. For example, we yell when we
are angry. We think this will make us feel better (that’s why we do it…for the
release), but in the end, it only makes things worse. Our means of going about
getting happy are not in sync with our desire to not suffer.
To give example of this, she tells the story of working on a
project that she was very excited about.
She was writing an article that was taking an unusually long time to
write. The adrenalin from the excitement she felt was allowing her to devote
more hours to the project that what was sensible. She eventually began to get physically
sick. When she began to realize the
cycle she was in, she stopped and asked herself, “Why am I doing this?” Her
first response, “I’m doing this because I equate it with satisfaction. I’ll
finish the article and it will feel good to be finished. ” The dialogue
continued. “So if I start writing again - right now, will I feel better?” She
sat there and thought a bit. “No, I won’t, because my health is starting to go.”
“So, why are you doing it?”At this point, instead of answering right back, she
sat there until the real answer came out, “Because I WANT TO.” She was doing it
for the imagined satisfaction. Her desire for satisfaction was not in sync with
her methods of attaining it.
So, how does this all make sense in my world? This was the
deal. When my week began to fall apart,
I did two things. One, I imagined what I thought would bring me satisfaction.
Two, when it failed to work (because my desire for satisfaction was not in sync with my methods of attaining it), I made the incorrect assumption that what I needed
to do was to get my shit together and find solid ground. Even if it was in the most
well meaning and mindfully zen way, it was still grasping at something that
simply does not exist. There is no such thing as solid ground. Everything is
impermanent. Plans get canceled,
meditation becomes distracted, positive thinking techniques fall short, time gets
interrupted, people get sick, promises get broken, relationships fail...Life. Is. Groundless.
What if, instead of running around pretending there is
ground when there isn’t, we could just learn to not be afraid of
groundlessness, not be afraid of insecurity and uncertainty? As Pema says, “it
would be a calling on an inner strength that would allow us to be open and free
and loving and compassionate in any situation.” And I would add…especially with
ourselves. The Buddha gives the analogy
of being barefoot and walking across blazing hot sand and cut glass. Or in a
field with thorns. And your feet are bare and it is terribly painful. You say
to yourself, “This is really hurting; this is terrible, the glass is too sharp,
it’s too painful for me, it’s too hot to stay here.” Then you think, “Ah ha! I
have an idea! I’m going to cover the ground with leather! Then it won’t hurt my
feet anymore!” That’s like saying, “I’m going to get rid of this person in my
life that causes me pain, I’m going to
get rid of loud noises and bugs and barking dogs and things that interrupt me and schedules and
ticking clocks and…everything that causes me pain…and THEN I will be happy and
content!” Sounds ridiculous, but that’s exactly what I do…what we do! If we
could just cover everything with leather we wouldn’t be hurting our feet
anymore! Or…we could simply wrap the
leather around our feet...like shoes. So the analogy
is, if you work with your mind instead of trying to change everything on the
outside, then contentment or peace can be possible no matter what the situation.
Trying to find comfortable, reliable solid ground in this world
is an effort that will undoubtedly leave you unsatisfied and exhausted. It sure did me. Learning how to make space and find rest
within your our own mind, letting go of attachments and illusions of control,
understanding that life is less about getting rid of all the bad stuff and more
about wearing a good pair of leather shoes...well, this works.
Now, if I can just remember!
8 comments:
I found this post quite comforting today as I do not feel on solid ground in any aspect of my life right now so thank you!!
Seems like when things get shaky...everything feels unstable. Hoping and praying for better days, my friend. This too shall pass... and it always does.
Be well.
Theresa
I was led here today. I stayed off blogging all weekend to recover/recovering.
"So the analogy is, if you work with your mind instead of trying to change everything on the outside, then contentment or peace can be possible no matter what the situation. "
In this highly meditative sentence is where peace truly resides. This past year has been a brutal exercise of my letting control go & welcoming in the "moment". I have missed so many moments trying to control the perfection of it, I didn't realize how much I was destroying the spontenaity of the bits which make up MY whole.
One thing living with chronic (acute flares) illness is you realize your mortality on a different spiritual level. On one hand, this is soothing & comfortable. On the other frightening & leaves us clawing to hang on. I now choose to be the me in the moment i'm in good, bad or indifferent. I would rather be unexciting and real then the center of attention and miserable. I allowed the misery by wanting to control the disease, the kid, the bills, the neighbor with the yappy dog etc. It was so unabatingly redundant in my annoyances I forgot I had a choice all along. Bad neighbor, move. Business is slow, do something fun. Body is arguing with me... silence it & so on.
I'm not all in yet and I have my days when old patterns are hard to break, but i'm getting there & I'm getting stronger. And by stronger I mean,I allow myself moments of weakness. It's okay if I'm not 100% every day on solid ground. If both of my feet are still attached to the legs seeking solid ground, it's a good moment. Huggers.
I have never lived on solid ground...ever. And when ra was introduced into my already shaky ground called life...well it just got more violent so to say. But I so do get where we should go...within to the solitude of it all, to the silence of it, to the moment of it. And even after being on this earth 55 years, I still try on a daily, hourly and even minute to minute basis to achieve this. I am so glad I am not alone in this journey.
I swear as I was reading this, I heard you laugh out loud, right here on 6th floor at DHS. How lovely to my ears! And I absolutely LOVE the idea of covering the whole earth with leather-a huge lightbulb illuminated the fact that this is often how I approach life. Thanks! Love you...
Jeana
Coopy...
You and I both. A whole lifetime of moments. Finding those moments is the one gift that this illness has given me.
It's funny, you mention that old patterns are hard to break. I find that when I have my better days - maybe a few in a row, or even a week - those old patterns sneak back in! I start trying to do too much and the next thing I know...I'm not really listening to people, I'm rushing through my day, I'm not taking care of myself...
I guess perfection is not what we are looking for - it's about the journey. And I, like you, are getting better at walking that journey every day.
Thank you so much for such a heartfelt response to my post. It means a great deal to me and it is so helpful to all who read.
Be well, my friend.
ansofra -
Thank you Deb! I've never lived on solid ground either...but I sure have TRIED to find it!! To no avail, of course!
It IS good to know we are not alone. Thank you for being part of my journey.
Jeana!!
Oh, how I wish I was on the sixth floor laughing right now. You know, there are days where I don't think much about work... but I can honestly say there are many, many more where I do. SO much that I miss, I can't even begin to tell you.
Miss you, my friend. Hope all is well in your world.
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